I close my eyes, I just can't sleep

September has almost purely sucked.  I'm quite glad to see the last of it.

The only truly good thing this month has been the results of Jay's last scan.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out, current month. How odd to be actually looking forward to October, which is a month that historically has been the low point of my year.

Sadder still to watch it die, than never to have known it

Been gone a long time, haven't I?   Since my last post, I've attended JayWake, traveled to New Zealand (with accidental Australia thrown in for fun), caught and recovered from the NZ death cold, traveled to San Antonio for Worldcon, and tried to get my life back into some semblance of order.

I'm in a pretty grim place at the moment, as we inch up to Jay's next scan coming up next week. I've never felt the same kind of scan anxiety that Jay does, instead always saving my stress and fear for the oncology consult that comes after.

This time is different, and it's because there's been hope, and I fear something awful to lose it.

I will write more here shortly about all the things that have happened since I posted last, but not today. My heart is too tender for that.

It's never planned, changes just kinda happen

I've been getting some lovely communication from all over the place.  Thank you all so much for your love and support - it really means a lot.

But a theme has come to light that I want to address.

A number of people are praising me for staying with Jay in his time of need, and while I deeply appreciate the sentiment, there are a lot of assumptions there that I realize I want to talk more about.

I came into Jay's life at a time when he was relatively healthy, but I knew that his cancer wasn't cured, and that his treatment to date had been spectacularly unsuccessful.  I consciously chose to come into his life, knowing what that might mean.

I read every word of his cancer blogging, and every word of his previous girlfriend's cancer blogging. I wanted to be sure that I had the strength to commit to what I was likely to endure with him.  I wanted to know the texture of the emotions that go along with a journey like this.  I already knew I was interested in him, and potentially interested in him in a serious way.  I had no idea whether that interest would be returned or how seriously.  That we've bonded as strongly as we have is a daily miracle to me.

I chose this path with all my heart and all my mind, and to even contemplate walking away from it now would be the basest act of cowardice.

So the short version of this is: praising me for staying with Jay is like praising me for breathing.  I love him beyond reason, and will be here through the bitter end, and beyond.  Nothing but my own end will take me away from him.

There's little relief, give us reprieve

Finally, there's a little relief and a reprieve.

For those who don't already know it, who haven't heard it being sung from on high: Jay's medication is working.

I can't begin to express my joy.

And I can't even begin to give in to hope.

What I can do is enjoy that I will have Jay for more days than I expected, and to just go on trying to make each of those days the best they can be.

It was long after midnight when we got to unconditional love

Many things make a post ...

• I know I haven't written here in ages.  I slid into depression and am working my way back out of it.  I have had excellent emotional support from too many people to mention. You people rock.
• Many, many things have been happening on the cancer front, up til now none of them very encouraging.
• Joy and happiness pop up in the most unexpected places. I am ever grateful.
• I'm learning more and more about my own limits and about what I want.  Some of that has shown me my limitations in unflattering ways.  I am reminded that as much as I have grown, there is always work to do.
• Joy sometimes comes in the form of minion swag brought home by loved ones from Comic-Con.
• Caregiving is exhausting. It is also rewarding, mind-blowing, detail-oriented. The results are worth all the exhaustion.
• Taking apart the accoutrements of a life is painful and hard.  The part of my soul that loves decluttering is dancing; the part of my soul that feels the loss is grieving.

Dreams of his crash won't pass / Oh, how they all adored him

Feeling very angular today, and very tender. Everything is poking me the wrong way.

One of my favorite bands is playing the Metro Gallery in Baltimore this summer, and that's making me nostalgic for the city I left.

I refilled Jay's pillbox this morning, and it hurt me to think that the physical pain he's in is coming from pills doled out by my hand. Somehow that's different than driving him to the infusion center for other people to inflict meds on him. I know it makes no sense, but it bothers me at a really basic level.

I'm feeling uprooted and displaced. Not quite sure where those feelings are coming from, but they're definitely present.

I'm feeling lost and sad. I know exactly where those feelings are coming from, and they're no surprise, but they do catch me off guard sometimes, and this is one of those days.

I'm alright, I tell myself twice in the mirror before I can't go to sleep at night

So my dreams last night involved a chair not unlike Jay's African throne (no kidding) and my precious, irreplaceable jewels having been tossed carelessly on and around the chair.  All were broken in ways that were irreparable.  No need for dream analysis there.  My dream mind is not exactly being subtle at the moment.

The weirder thing was the dream where I was telling Jay about the first dream.  I don't think I've ever had a meta-dream before.

It was very weird to wake up and not be sure whether I had actually told Jay about the dream or not.

Last night was a weird night for sleep, anyway.  I got to sleep about 10 and was awakened at 11:30 by the nocturnal wanderings of a member of the household (no, that is not a euphemism) and didn't get back to sleep until after 1.  Since I get up around 5, and truly need 7-8 hours sleep, I woke up in a fog, pretty useless.

Wondering what tonight's dreamscape will bring.