Thursday, January 31, 2013

But the drumbeat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day

I'm in a weird place today. This is day 3 of a migraine, which always makes the inside of my head a little strange.  On top of that, Jay & I have been talking at some length about the end of his life, and his current emotional state, and mine, and that is making things even stranger.

Right now, I'm firmly in a state of both anger and "it's not fair".  I know Jay is very much of a mind to avoid the whole "it's not fair" argument, but I can't help being mired in that place a little bit.

As I said to him the other night, it's wholly not fair that I finally find a man I could joyfully spend the rest of my life with, only to find that I only get to spend the rest of his life with him instead.  He pointed out that that's true for all couples, to which I replied, yes, but you're not supposed to know which of you is going first.

And that's part of what's eating at both of us, I think - this is knowledge you're not supposed to have.  We don't yet know the hour of the end of his life, and it's still quite possible I'll die before he does.  Heart attacks and getting hit by buses still happen. But that's not the picture we live in day to day.

So I do my best not to look too far into the future, to stay here in this day and channel my anger and my feeling of being cheated into taking the best care of him I can, so that today is the best we can make it, so there are no regrets at the end about how we could have done better.

There will, of course, be regrets at the end, about all the things we couldn't do, but I don't want any of them to be about things we did that could have been done better.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges, take ’em for a ride

So it's been a week since Jay's surgery.  I don't think I've ever been more tired in my life.  Trying to work and take care of him and not worry and worrying anyway and thinking I'm going to screw up the medication schedule and trying to get myself unpacked at the new house so my lovely housemate doesn't have to keep dodging my boxes ...

OK, now I get why I'm tired.

And now we've got the oncology follow-ups to think about, and the results and analysis of the tumor genome sequencing, and the upcoming yet-to-be-definitively-scheduled "second opinion" ...

Trying to keep this all in my head is exhausting.

But in the end, it's all about Jay's life, and I can't complain about that.  Whatever it takes to keep him alive, in good health, and with quality of life, that's what we'll do, right up to the point where he says, no more.

So onward I go, doing everything I can to make sure he has what he needs to heal from surgery, and to be as much of a support to him as I can be through this whole process, no matter where it takes us.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

This is my line, this is eternal, how did I ever end up here?

I now have two homes.  This is a profoundly good thing.

My POD finally got unloaded today, and I unpacked about half a dozen boxes.  My goal is to spend an hour everyday this week unpacking, and hoping to get everything that can be put in place in its place by the end of next weekend.

So that's the home with my housemate and dear friend Nancy.

But as long as Jay is in treatment, I'll be living with him like I have been.  He doesn't need constant care, but he needs enough to keep me there to care for him.  He'll need more care this week, coming home from his surgery and recovery in the hospital.  What kind of care he'll need after that, we'll see after we know how his treatment will progress.  That's a big unknown at the moment.

In the end, I have two homes, two places where people I love live, and where I am loved and welcomed.

This is a good thing.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Take flight, satellite, and drift into space

Exhausting week, with Jay's surgery and his recovery.  I've spent as much time at his side as I could, and he's doing really well.  It's sad to say that he's a professional surgery patient, but his attitude toward his recovery and his knowledge of the processes both before and after surgery make that an accurate statement.

As for me, I'm on the verge of having my things back again.  Tomorrow is moving day.  I feel like I have Schrodinger's belongings.  My POD is parked in the driveway of the new house, but I have no idea what survived the trip and what got broken.

At this point, most of what's in there I could live without, especially the stuff in boxes.  As long as I have my bed, dresser, sofa, and dining table, my essential kitchen stuff, my clothes, and my meditation cushions, I think I would be OK.  Oh and some of my art, like my poppets, my crow art, and my family photos.

Reality will collapse into some determination about the contents of the POD tomorrow afternoon.  Wish me luck.

Monday, January 21, 2013

You come out at night, that's when the energy comes

Jay goes in for surgery tomorrow, and if we're lucky, the mystery of the fourth tumor will be solved.  I'm anxious and worried and not a little bit scared about the whole thing, but this is just one more necessary step in this process.

I'll be keeping watch over him as he recovers, hoping for the best in all of this.

(And for those of you paying attention to the lyrics of the titles, no, I don't consider Jay to be a beautiful, fucked-up man. Beautiful, yes; fucked-up, no. Those lyrics refer to my vision of his cancer, not my vision of him.)

Friday, January 18, 2013

I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears

Been too busy and distracted to post, so here's some tidbits to keep this thing going:

  • Finally scheduled the POD delivery to the house Nancy & I are renting.  Moving day is coming soon - yay!  It'll be so good to have a home base that has all my stuff in it.
  • Jay's surgery is this coming Tuesday, and to celebrate (or whatever's appropriate), he got his hair cut (scroll down to see the pic).  That's my partner, ladies and gentlemen.
  • I'm getting better at navigating this fair city.  I think this process will accelerate once I'm going places from the new house, and I'm looking forward to learning a new part of town.
  • I've started therapy with a Buddhist-oriented therapist.  So many things to talk about, so many issues to work through.  I have high hopes of gaining some clarity on things that have dogged me for years.
  • This weekend is bringing weather I've never experienced before.  We're under an air stagnation advisory through Tuesday.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Who'll hear the sound of grieving

Bad cancer news.  Might not be as bad as we think, but I don't see how.  Am feeling low and helpless and sad.  I purely hate not being able to do anything to help Jay, but there it is.  Just keep living, and moving on.