Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Heroines in an ancient film called the flame of the west

Things are really rough for me right now.

The combination of the change in Jay's timeline and my parents' issues are overwhelming enough.

But relationships I thought were simple have become complicated, and relationships that were already complicated have gotten even more so.  There's no smooth path in my life right now. Everything is bumpy, awkward, difficult, and uncomfortable.  I'm being pressed against the abrasive side of the world, scraped along until there's nothing left of me but a bleeding nub.

I'm full of grief and anger.  The anger I can handle, for the most part well (I hope). The medications I'm currently on for anxiety, however, are stopping me from processing the grief.  I can't cry, except in small intervals that don't provide much relief.  I can feel the grief backing up against the dam of the meds, and when it finally breaks, it's going to be ugly.

I'm already full of fear, and this just adds to that load.

I'm realizing how much denial I've been living in, and realizing that for me, living in denial looks a lot like living a normal life. WTF do I do with that?

I have a lot of support from friends and family, without which I would have fallen apart long ago.  Things are so bad for me right now that I'm actually looking forward to going to the coast by myself over the weekend before my birthday, as a time to sort things out a little, to breathe a little, to just sit and watch the ocean and be.  After finding Jay, I never thought I would look forward to alone time, since my whole life before him felt like nothing but alone time.  But here we are.

Here I am, pressed against the reality of the world.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Home, home, where I wanted to go

Back in Portland for a long weekend.

Family dinner tonight, then Jay's scan in the morning as well as my follow-up for my new anxiety med.  Then dropping Jay off at Orycon and hanging around til dinner time.

Then a relatively quiet weekend at my house while Jay plays at the con.

Then picking Jay up from Orycon to take him to Beaverton for a do at Powell's.

I'm already exhausted just thinking about it all.

Then we're back to Maryland on Tuesday, with a side trip to Rehoboth Beach, DE, because Jay wants to see a beach I love, and we don't have time to go down to the Outer Banks.  The rest of the week will be spent closing out as much of my parents' affairs as we can, followed by social time with friends and local fans.

Can't wait til we're back in Portland for the foreseeable future.

(Yes, I'm stuck on Coldplay's Clocks - I have no idea why, but there you are.)

Monday, November 4, 2013

The lights go out and I can't be saved, tides that I tried to swim against

Remember how I said September sucked? Well, you would think that I would learn from that, and not challenge the universe.  But apparently that lesson didn't sink in, because October was even worse in many ways.

The worst of all of it was having my dad have a stroke while I was in the midst of a cervical cancer scare.  I'm fine, and he's doing remarkably well, but the stress of the two events combined, plus the reality that we had to cancel our trip to England and the guilt I felt over Jay missing that once-in-a-lifetime trip, just about killed me.

OK November, how about we have a complete turn-around, where a month goes smoothly and pleasantly?

And December? Don't even try to piss me off.  You have no idea what you're in for if you try.