Saturday, April 13, 2013

There was a time when everything we did seemed free

Today, my heart is breaking into little pieces.

I heard on Facebook of the death of a FB Buddhist buddy of mine. I'd never met him, but his writings on Buddhism and addiction touched me, and I'd corresponded with him a bit.  He was a gentle soul, and his passing leaves the world darker.

Following on that, I read Jay's blog post this morning about his current thoughts on his condition.  This did not improve my mood.

Life is so fucking short, and all this is bringing clarity to things that had been murky. Things in my life that seemed troublesome and important are being swept away.  There are many more important things than them now. My focus is so much clearer.

I'm feeling the endings of things, little things that I've taken for granted and never much thought about. Thinking about them now gives me a painful pang in my chest.  Loss, it's all loss.  Sometimes it feels like that's all life is, just a progression of subtraction, til we're left with nothing but the harsh reality of our dying breath.

I now understand, really grok down to the core of my being, why Jay has always been so insistent that I have a place of my own.  For a long time, I thought it was just to give me a place of respite when things got too intense around his illness.  I understand now that it was to give me a place to be once he's gone, so that I'm not hanging around his house like some sort of grieving madwoman, unable to let go of what's lost, weeping on his pillows and wearing his clothing as a way to keep him near me.

So this morning is being spent sitting in bed, weeping and grieving, alternately wishing Jay were here and being utterly glad he's off in Texas enjoying himself.


Friday, April 12, 2013

So do me that favor and tell me the good news first

This is my long-belated, somewhat-abbreviated post about the good parts of our trip to Texas.

We spent a night in Houston, at the home of Jay's aunt & uncle, and then hit the road the next day to go to Austin.

I utterly fell in love with Austin.  It was one of the cities I considered when I was deciding where to move from Baltimore, so that's not totally surprising. I told Jay at one point I was having buyer's remorse over moving to Portland, and that it was a good thing I love him as much as I do, or I might change my mind.  I was mostly kidding, but I felt such a powerful and immediate connection to the energy in Austin.

We ate our body weight in awesome food, stopping at the Salt Lick, the Hula Hut (caution: music), and the Hyde Park Bar & Grill.  Eating at Hula Hut was an item on my bucket list, so check that one off successfully. I was waddling by the time we got back to Houston.

Going back to Houston led us to the not-so-good parts of the Texas trip.  Another post, coming soon.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

In your house I long to be, room by room patiently

I managed to miss the 6-month anniversary of my moving to Portland, which was two days ago.  Time has moved so quickly.

I can barely remember the me who was broken-hearted at the end of 2010 when my marriage ended.

I can barely remember the me who gave herself a year to grieve that broken heart.

I know those women were sad and lonely and feeling lost. I also know those women felt a spark of power come to life as time passed and grief passed more into the shadows.

The woman I am today began to come to life sometime in late 2011.  By the time I came to Portland last June, I was a bright bud.  In the time since then, I have begun to blossom in ways the broken-hearted me of 2010 could not possibly have imagined.

I'm learning to shine brightly, against all the programming of all my life that has taught me that I'm only safe when I'm hidden.

A lot of that shine has come out of hiding because of Jay's deep love for and unstinting support of me.  I started down this path on my own, but the relationship we are building together every day gives me the strength and inspiration to be more than I've ever been, more than I ever thought I could be.

So happy anniversary to me.  And all my thanks to Portland for being such a wonderful place to live, and my deepest gratitude to Jay for being in my life.

Friday, April 5, 2013

My anger is a form of madness, so I'd rather have hope than sadness

I've been processing a lot lately, which has kept me from writing here, not knowing what the outcome of the processing might be.

Therapy has been interesting lately, both stirring up old crap and helping to set it down for good.  Each session is exhausting, but all so far have been productive.  EMDR has been both helpful and daunting.  It's fascinating to watch my brain at work, and to watch it heal itself from old damage and trauma.

All the grief I'd been processing without being fully conscious of it since our Houston trip dumped itself on me in a great shower the Thursday of Norwescon, and left me in an awful emotional state for the rest of the weekend.  It was not a fun time for me, and a lot of it was just my own noise screaming in my ears.  Another EMDR session has helped a lot in quieting the noise, but it remains to be seen whether than quiet is permanent or if I get triggered again.

I still owe a post about our Texas trip, and I will do that this weekend.  It was such a mixed bag, like Norwescon was, that I'm hesitant to talk about it.  But if nothing else, I want to remember what happened, so I can refer back to the events later, so this will be the place to do that.

On the plus side for the week, my new bed got delivered yesterday (pics here), and I'm happy to report that it works just fine. No creaking or other untoward behavior.  And I had a lovely dinner and walk in the gardens with a dear friend this week as well (pics of that here).