Saturday, April 13, 2013

There was a time when everything we did seemed free

Today, my heart is breaking into little pieces.

I heard on Facebook of the death of a FB Buddhist buddy of mine. I'd never met him, but his writings on Buddhism and addiction touched me, and I'd corresponded with him a bit.  He was a gentle soul, and his passing leaves the world darker.

Following on that, I read Jay's blog post this morning about his current thoughts on his condition.  This did not improve my mood.

Life is so fucking short, and all this is bringing clarity to things that had been murky. Things in my life that seemed troublesome and important are being swept away.  There are many more important things than them now. My focus is so much clearer.

I'm feeling the endings of things, little things that I've taken for granted and never much thought about. Thinking about them now gives me a painful pang in my chest.  Loss, it's all loss.  Sometimes it feels like that's all life is, just a progression of subtraction, til we're left with nothing but the harsh reality of our dying breath.

I now understand, really grok down to the core of my being, why Jay has always been so insistent that I have a place of my own.  For a long time, I thought it was just to give me a place of respite when things got too intense around his illness.  I understand now that it was to give me a place to be once he's gone, so that I'm not hanging around his house like some sort of grieving madwoman, unable to let go of what's lost, weeping on his pillows and wearing his clothing as a way to keep him near me.

So this morning is being spent sitting in bed, weeping and grieving, alternately wishing Jay were here and being utterly glad he's off in Texas enjoying himself.

Fuck.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry about your friend. And sorry you are grieving. I tend to think of life in the reverse, as if we are a chambered nautilus moving through a dark sea, adding on, adding on, adding on as we go. We never lose anything that we didn't first gain, and that gain changed our shape, made us larger, stronger, better as we moved along. [[[hugs]]]

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  2. That is beautiful change Junkie. I wish I could drop in with v. donuts and snuggles Lisa. <3
    Sally

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  3. That is beautiful change Junkie. I wish I could drop in with v. donuts and snuggles Lisa. <3
    Sally

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  4. My dear Lisa, me too, me too. Cita

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