Saturday, October 27, 2012

Fallen leaves in the night, who can say where they're blowing

Chemo weekend again this weekend.  Quieter so far, but still with plenty of social activity around the house.

Jay seemed more focused today than during the last session, which has been good to see.


I'm learning a lot from watching Jay go through this treatment, from watching him live his life with this disease.

Mostly what I'm learning, what I'm gaining, is the need to and the skill to stay in the moment.

Grief lurks around every corner, and by staying right where I am, moment to moment, and not looking forward, I can feel the grief without it being overwhelming.

I'm also learning how to open my heart to whatever comes, to whatever this moment holds, good or bad or anything in between.

I've learned so much from Jay already about how I want to live my life, by watching him live his.  Even now, even on weekends like this, I'm learning.

I've learned more about love in the not-quite 5 months I've known him than I ever thought I would in my life.  I have loved more in the not-quite 5 months I've known him than I ever thought myself capable of.  And I have accepted more love than I ever thought possible.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Some days I just don't worry, I let it pour through me

Spent a quiet weekend with Jay watching The Lord of the Rings movies, then watching "Erik the Viking" today with Nancy and other friends.  This culminated in a lovely dinner at Delta Cafe - mmmm, southern food ...

Back to the work week ...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Cracks in the ceiling, crooked pictures in the heart

Well, fuck.  Jay's chemo has been postponed for a week.  This is so not good.

Life is rough at the moment, on many fronts.  Doing my best to be supportive and present and thoughtful.  Being loving is easy.

But, still, sigh ...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Difficult day last Friday, as I took Ace to the airport, sending her off home.  Better day Saturday, when Jay came home from Omaha.  We spent Sunday with Nancy, and she & I went driving around neighborhoods looking unsuccessfully for houses to rent.

Monday brought Jay doing a reading. It was my first time seeing him read, which seems weird for someone who came to him as a fangirl.  West Coast writer, East Coast fangirl ...

Gearing up for another chemo weekend this weekend.

So it goes ...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

History recedes in my rear view mirror

So I had originally thought I would do some photoblogging of my road trip with Ken from Baltimore to Portland.  Yeah, well, that didn't happen, but I did put up the pics I took along the way:


Let's open our eyes to the brand new day

Feeling more balanced than I have the past couple of days.  The noise in my head is dying down, and I'm feeling more grounded.  All of my various practices are back in place, and I feel so much better for it.  It's only now that I'm realizing how far from my hard-won sanity this move and the logistics leading up to it and the emotions after it have pushed me.

But I'm more focused now, and more clear on what it is I need to be doing to keep myself steady, both in my recovery and in my spiritual practice.

Jay comes home from Omaha on Saturday.  That will be a very good thing.

Monday, October 8, 2012

I turn my back to the wind to catch my breath before I start off again

Long, tiring weekend.  Still recovering from bearing witness to this chemo session, from trying to support Jay and Ace, from trying not to melt down too hard in the face of it all.  There was a lovely birthday party on Saturday for the October birthdays in Jay's family, and Ace & I tried to do some shopping on Sunday, without much luck.  I did manage to introduce Ace to Five Guys, which she seemed to enjoy, and which marked my first Five Guys outside of the DC/MD/VA/DE area.

For the first part of the week, I have the house to myself.  Jay is in Omaha, Ace is off to the Oregon coast for some much-needed quiet and downtime.  I'm here working.  It's profoundly weird to be in this house alone, especially after all the noise and energy of the weekend.

I think I'm settling in OK, although I can already tell that living out of a suitcase is going to drive me nuts in short order.  I've collected a nice group of places to eat that are sufficiently program-friendly that I'm keeping that up to speed.

But I'm struggling with something that is making me laugh: I can never remember what car to look for when I come out into a parking lot.  I start out looking for the rental car I had when I was here in June, then I look for Jay's car, then I remember that all I have to do is to look for the car with the Maryland plates.  It's absurd, really.

It's also a measure of how exhausted I am.  I haven't had anything like a full night's sleep since my last night in Baltimore, which makes it just over a week now.  I keep napping, as if that's going to solve the problem.  It helps, but I'm beyond tired.

Tonight I'm planning to do my recovery chat for the first time in too long, then maybe go out and do some grocery shopping and then some light cooking for myself so I can stop eating out and start eating better program-friendly things.  My food journal is coming back to life, and that's always a good sign for my program.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm the sane one in this relationship, which both makes me laugh and scares me a little, but it just means I have to keep my meditation practice and my recovery practice strong and steady so I can be there when I'm needed.

For why else did I make this move?

Friday, October 5, 2012

There's a vulture perching right off screen, and it's bitter and whispers chaotic things

My first day with Jay's chemo.  This is the second session of this third round.  What a day.  Not as difficult as I thought it would be, not even emotionally.  Which is not to say it wasn't hard, just not as hard as I expected.

I'm assuming it will get harder as time passes and more and more of the Jay I know is masked by the effects of the chemo.

My job is primarily to be emotional support for Jay and to be logistical support as needed by the primary caregiver.  It's a job I'm happy to do, all the while of course wishing it didn't need to be done.

Right now he's sleeping peacefully in the chemo chair.  This is good.

It's almost impossible to describe the mix of feelings I have today, but love is still the strongest among them.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

All that I wanted was the freedom of a new life, so my burden I began to divest

I am home.  We reached Portland mid-morning this morning, when the house was empty.  Everyone was out doing cancer-related things, so I had a little while to catch up to being here and to get some sleep before my loved ones descended and greeted me with lots of love.

Huge props and enormous thanks to Ken Scholes for driving me clear across the country, and for the wonderful and enlightening talking we did on the drive.  It was wonderful to get to know him, and we've created a wonderful friendship that I'm looking forward to deepening.

Thanks, too, to all my friends across the country who have been so incredibly supportive of me as I made this transition.

I am home.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Almost home

Stopping in Pendleton, OR tonight and will be home early tomorrow. I cannot wait to see my loved ones and sleep in my new bed. Glory hallelujah!

Crossing the Divide

Crossed the Continental Divide this morning, and aren't too far from Utah, another state I've never been to. Ken has been a driving god the past two days, and we should make Portland tomorrow morning.

1 day to Portland, and I'm so excited to be almost home that I can barely stand it. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Breakfast in America

Just finished breakfast in Omaha with some of Jay's friends - that was a lot of fun.

Hitting the road again soon, trying to get to Cheyenne today.

2 days to Portland ...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Early on the road

Got on the road a little after 2 this morning, since neither Ken nor I could sleep, and here it is 7:30 and we're having breakfast at the Cracker Barrel in Twinsburg, OH.

3 days to Portland, and I'm so excited I can barely sit still. Which will make driving fun ... :)