Monday, September 1, 2014

Now my mind must go on holiday, torn from its hook, a broken valentine

Three months on

Here we are, three months after Jay's death.

The past week brought a lot of changes and subtle movement in what I hope is a positive direction.

I quit therapy.  I had a month off from it between my schedule and my therapist's vacation, and when I started thinking about going back, I started getting anxious. So I thought about that for a little while, then said to myself: what if I quit? Then I thought about that for a little while, and decided it was the right thing to do.

That decision propelled me into a couple of other movements forward.

I'm doing the Artist's Way again, mostly focusing on doing morning pages. I've done this before, two or three times, but I think I'm finally to the place where they will do me some good. And maybe I'll finally break through the block that's been holding me back.

I also went on a date this week for the first time since Jay died. (For anyone who doesn't already know, Jay & I were non-monogamous; he would have been quite happy had I been dating throughout our relationship, which I did a bit of. So this is not quite as weird as it may seem.) I'd been dithering around on OKCupid for a while, and someone found me who I didn't want to resist. It was lovely, and a little odd emotionally, and I hope for more of the lovely, if this thing takes off.

One kind-of tough thing this week: a doctor's appointment, which was fine, but it was the first time I'd been back to where Jay was treated in Portland since his last trip. It was harder than I anticipated.

But this three-months-since thing ... my heart is really tender right now. I'm back in that place where everything is making me tear up, like going to OHSU to see my doctor, who was also Jay's doctor. And I'm also in a place where I am beginning to understand that this is my normal-for-now, and where I am beginning to accept that it's OK and livable.

Harder for me is the psychological reality that I'm still waiting for Jay to come home from whatever trip he's on.  The disbelief that he's truly gone is pervasive and deep, and I think this, too, is just part of my normal-for-now.

But I did have a sweetly tender Jay moment this week: as I was dithering around trying to decide what to wear on my date, I could hear Jay's laughter in my head. To the point where I started laughing and said out loud, "Shut up!" in that way that we always did when one of us lovingly hit on a sore point. And when I got home, I told him all about it.

I miss him so terribly. That will never change either, I don't think.

Tracking for August 31

  • sleep: 8.5 hours, fitful
  • body movement: 30 min walk, some of it straight up
  • contemplation:  morning pages, joy dots
  • play:  walking in the woods, driving through the Gorge
  • currently reading: Lone Star: A History of Texas and the Texans; The Artist’s Way

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Falling up the Falls

Got up this morning, and realized I really needed to get out of the house. So I pulled myself together and about 8:30 I drove out to the Columbia River Gorge.

My immediate goal was Multnomah Falls, which at the hour I arrived was relatively clear of tourists, and gorgeous as always.

I walked up the path to the top of the lower falls, where I got this shot, looking down on the lower falls from the bridge:

And this shot of the upper falls through the iron barrier near the top of the lower falls:


Then insanity struck me, and I decided to try to walk to the top of the upper falls. Straight up. Through 11 switchbacks.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to the top. I made it through 4 switchbacks, decided I'd walked straight up far enough, and started back down.  It was a good thing, too, as my legs were so wobbly and my knees complaining so hard by the time I got back down that if I'd actually made it to the top, someone would have had to carry me down. As I was on my own, that would have been awkward.

Then I drove down to Vista House, but the parking was impossible, so I headed home.

All in all, a lovely day. Just what I needed.

More shots at the Flickr set.

Tracking for August 30

  • sleep: 8.5 hours, fitful
  • body movement: 30 min exerbike
  • contemplation:  morning pages; 10 min meditation; joy dots
  • play:  still framing and hanging pics
  • currently reading: Lone Star: A History of Texas and the Texans; The Artist’s Way

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Tracking for August 29

  • sleep: 9 hours, solid
  • body movement: 30 min exerbike
  • contemplation:  morning pages
  • play:  n/a (started out to have an afternoon of play and got sidetracked by life)
  • currently reading: Lone Star: A History of Texas and the Texans; The Artist’s Way

Friday, August 29, 2014

Tracking for August 28

  • sleep: 7 hours, solid
  • body movement: 20 min exerbike
  • contemplation:  morning pages
  • play:  dinner with a new friend
  • currently reading: Lone Star: A History of Texas and the Texans; The Artist’s Way

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Tracking for August 27

  • sleep: 9 hours, fitful
  • body movement: 30 min exerbike
  • contemplation:  morning pages
  • play:  framing and hanging photographs
  • currently reading: Lone Star: A History of Texas and the Texans; The Artist’s Way