Saturday, July 27, 2013

It's never planned, changes just kinda happen

I've been getting some lovely communication from all over the place.  Thank you all so much for your love and support - it really means a lot.

But a theme has come to light that I want to address.

A number of people are praising me for staying with Jay in his time of need, and while I deeply appreciate the sentiment, there are a lot of assumptions there that I realize I want to talk more about.

I came into Jay's life at a time when he was relatively healthy, but I knew that his cancer wasn't cured, and that his treatment to date had been spectacularly unsuccessful.  I consciously chose to come into his life, knowing what that might mean.

I read every word of his cancer blogging, and every word of his previous girlfriend's cancer blogging. I wanted to be sure that I had the strength to commit to what I was likely to endure with him.  I wanted to know the texture of the emotions that go along with a journey like this.  I already knew I was interested in him, and potentially interested in him in a serious way.  I had no idea whether that interest would be returned or how seriously.  That we've bonded as strongly as we have is a daily miracle to me.

I chose this path with all my heart and all my mind, and to even contemplate walking away from it now would be the basest act of cowardice.

So the short version of this is: praising me for staying with Jay is like praising me for breathing.  I love him beyond reason, and will be here through the bitter end, and beyond.  Nothing but my own end will take me away from him.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

There's little relief, give us reprieve

Finally, there's a little relief and a reprieve.

For those who don't already know it, who haven't heard it being sung from on high: Jay's medication is working.

I can't begin to express my joy.

And I can't even begin to give in to hope.

What I can do is enjoy that I will have Jay for more days than I expected, and to just go on trying to make each of those days the best they can be.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It was long after midnight when we got to unconditional love

Many things make a post ...

  • I know I haven't written here in ages.  I slid into depression and am working my way back out of it.  I have had excellent emotional support from too many people to mention. You people rock.
  • Many, many things have been happening on the cancer front, up til now none of them very encouraging.
  • Joy and happiness pop up in the most unexpected places. I am ever grateful.
  • I'm learning more and more about my own limits and about what I want.  Some of that has shown me my limitations in unflattering ways.  I am reminded that as much as I have grown, there is always work to do.
  • Joy sometimes comes in the form of minion swag brought home by loved ones from Comic-Con.
  • Caregiving is exhausting. It is also rewarding, mind-blowing, detail-oriented. The results are worth all the exhaustion.
  • Taking apart the accoutrements of a life is painful and hard.  The part of my soul that loves decluttering is dancing; the part of my soul that feels the loss is grieving.