Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Heroines in an ancient film called the flame of the west

Things are really rough for me right now.

The combination of the change in Jay's timeline and my parents' issues are overwhelming enough.

But relationships I thought were simple have become complicated, and relationships that were already complicated have gotten even more so.  There's no smooth path in my life right now. Everything is bumpy, awkward, difficult, and uncomfortable.  I'm being pressed against the abrasive side of the world, scraped along until there's nothing left of me but a bleeding nub.

I'm full of grief and anger.  The anger I can handle, for the most part well (I hope). The medications I'm currently on for anxiety, however, are stopping me from processing the grief.  I can't cry, except in small intervals that don't provide much relief.  I can feel the grief backing up against the dam of the meds, and when it finally breaks, it's going to be ugly.

I'm already full of fear, and this just adds to that load.

I'm realizing how much denial I've been living in, and realizing that for me, living in denial looks a lot like living a normal life. WTF do I do with that?

I have a lot of support from friends and family, without which I would have fallen apart long ago.  Things are so bad for me right now that I'm actually looking forward to going to the coast by myself over the weekend before my birthday, as a time to sort things out a little, to breathe a little, to just sit and watch the ocean and be.  After finding Jay, I never thought I would look forward to alone time, since my whole life before him felt like nothing but alone time.  But here we are.

Here I am, pressed against the reality of the world.

3 comments:

  1. I love you. I am sorry this is so hard.

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  2. Ah, the realisation that denial is an undercurrent in one's life. I know that one well, and I'm very sorry. May your path smooth. I know that when I was in a similar emotional place, people kept telling me that I would never have more to deal with than I could handle. My opinion was that I have no interest in finding out how much I can handle. I was also told I was strong. Sometimes you just don't want to be strong or brave or any of that. You want to be safe. You want to rest.

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  3. Hugs & Hope for as smooth sailing as possible...

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