Thursday, January 31, 2013

But the drumbeat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day

I'm in a weird place today. This is day 3 of a migraine, which always makes the inside of my head a little strange.  On top of that, Jay & I have been talking at some length about the end of his life, and his current emotional state, and mine, and that is making things even stranger.

Right now, I'm firmly in a state of both anger and "it's not fair".  I know Jay is very much of a mind to avoid the whole "it's not fair" argument, but I can't help being mired in that place a little bit.

As I said to him the other night, it's wholly not fair that I finally find a man I could joyfully spend the rest of my life with, only to find that I only get to spend the rest of his life with him instead.  He pointed out that that's true for all couples, to which I replied, yes, but you're not supposed to know which of you is going first.

And that's part of what's eating at both of us, I think - this is knowledge you're not supposed to have.  We don't yet know the hour of the end of his life, and it's still quite possible I'll die before he does.  Heart attacks and getting hit by buses still happen. But that's not the picture we live in day to day.

So I do my best not to look too far into the future, to stay here in this day and channel my anger and my feeling of being cheated into taking the best care of him I can, so that today is the best we can make it, so there are no regrets at the end about how we could have done better.

There will, of course, be regrets at the end, about all the things we couldn't do, but I don't want any of them to be about things we did that could have been done better.

3 comments:

  1. I don't think we've met in person, but I just wanted to say I get it. That's a hard, sad place to be. I love Jay, too; he's been one of the few people I could truly be open with. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being so brave and loving in spite of the fear. I don't really have the right words, so all I can say is thank you.

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  2. Thank you, for loving him, and for visiting here. :: hugs ::

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  3. "There will, of course, be regrets at the end, about all the things we couldn't do, but I don't want any of them to be about things we did that could have been done better."

    Beautifully said, Lisa. Wisdom to live by for all of us, no matter our situation. Thank you.

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