If you don’t bring up those lonely parts this could be a good time

4 months on - a ramble about where I am

I'm still struggling daily, but I seem to have processed something large in the past month, setting down some big burden.

I'm still sad, sometimes unbearably so. I'm still lonely, sometimes unbearably so.

But I'm also feeling energized by the change to autumn. This is always the time of year my energy starts rising again. It's that old feeling of excitement about school starting. It's hard to feel the season change and know that I'm just that much further away from the life I had with Jay. But it's good, too.

I'm working hard to make this life into something I want to live. I'm learning more about my own fears and what they make me do and what they keep me from doing. I'm learning how to harness my creative drives to express things I could never have expressed before.

I'm doing my best to get back to being able to remember what I was like when Jay was alive and we were happy. I can't stay that person forever, have already moved away from being her, but I don't want to lose her entirely.

A month ago, I said this:

Harder for me is the psychological reality that I'm still waiting for Jay to come home from whatever trip he's on. The disbelief that he's truly gone is pervasive and deep, and I think this, too, is just part of my normal-for-now.

 This is still true.

Jay's been appearing my dreams a lot lately, which is unusual. Even when he was alive, he almost never appeared directly in my dreams, but appeared as other people who I knew to be him. Now he mostly shows up as himself. I don't always remember the dreams, but I know when I've dreamed about him.

I still miss him terribly, and am still angry at the universe for cutting his life short. I doubt those things will ever change, and I'm sure I say them every time I write one of these posts.