Monday, September 1, 2014

Now my mind must go on holiday, torn from its hook, a broken valentine

Three months on

Here we are, three months after Jay's death.

The past week brought a lot of changes and subtle movement in what I hope is a positive direction.

I quit therapy.  I had a month off from it between my schedule and my therapist's vacation, and when I started thinking about going back, I started getting anxious. So I thought about that for a little while, then said to myself: what if I quit? Then I thought about that for a little while, and decided it was the right thing to do.

That decision propelled me into a couple of other movements forward.

I'm doing the Artist's Way again, mostly focusing on doing morning pages. I've done this before, two or three times, but I think I'm finally to the place where they will do me some good. And maybe I'll finally break through the block that's been holding me back.

I also went on a date this week for the first time since Jay died. (For anyone who doesn't already know, Jay & I were non-monogamous; he would have been quite happy had I been dating throughout our relationship, which I did a bit of. So this is not quite as weird as it may seem.) I'd been dithering around on OKCupid for a while, and someone found me who I didn't want to resist. It was lovely, and a little odd emotionally, and I hope for more of the lovely, if this thing takes off.

One kind-of tough thing this week: a doctor's appointment, which was fine, but it was the first time I'd been back to where Jay was treated in Portland since his last trip. It was harder than I anticipated.

But this three-months-since thing ... my heart is really tender right now. I'm back in that place where everything is making me tear up, like going to OHSU to see my doctor, who was also Jay's doctor. And I'm also in a place where I am beginning to understand that this is my normal-for-now, and where I am beginning to accept that it's OK and livable.

Harder for me is the psychological reality that I'm still waiting for Jay to come home from whatever trip he's on.  The disbelief that he's truly gone is pervasive and deep, and I think this, too, is just part of my normal-for-now.

But I did have a sweetly tender Jay moment this week: as I was dithering around trying to decide what to wear on my date, I could hear Jay's laughter in my head. To the point where I started laughing and said out loud, "Shut up!" in that way that we always did when one of us lovingly hit on a sore point. And when I got home, I told him all about it.

I miss him so terribly. That will never change either, I don't think.


  1. For me, missing my husband Bob has gradually evolved from savage pain to bittersweetness. It's taken 8 years. Everyone is different.

  2. I like that you talk to him and even respond to the teasing you'd expect. I wish you more dates with people who sprinkle sweetness into your life.

  3. This sounds like good progress dear heart.

  4. Hi! I Just stumbled upon your blog, and for some reason what caught my eye is that you had quit going to therapy because it was causing you anxiety to think about going. I just wanted to make a suggestion for if you ever do feel like you need some sort of therapy again. Equine assisted therapy! I have dealt with severe anxiety and depression since I was a kid, and EAP is the ONLY therapy that has ever helped me, and the only one that I didn't quit after a while. It is similar to regular psychotherapy, except instead of sitting in an office somewhere you are outside in a stable, or a pasture or wherever, interacting with a horse. A human being therapist is also there of course. (My family members always tease me about my therapist being "Mr. Ed!") It is widely recommended for people who are experiencing a loss. Sorry for intruding, as this is my first time seeing your blog... but I feel like EAP is a little-known gem, and I want to share it any time I think it could help someone else the way it is helping me!

  5. Just passing through. I'm glad you're finding loveliness in life again, and wish you more of it.