To see from where I am there is nothing more than this

I'm realizing I'm not posting much these days, other than those pesky tracker posts.

Mostly that's because at the moment, nothing much is going on, nothing is changing.

I'm in a downward sweep of grief, crying a lot, being in pain a lot, going about my day every day because there's nothing else to be done. But feeling empty and lonely and unbearably sad.

The arrival on my doorstep today of Jay's final book hasn't helped any, but it didn't make things any worse, either.

I'm rolling in a sea of grief, waves crashing against me and pushing me up against the rocks. Over and over and over again.

So far, I'm keeping my head above the waves, not drowning, but sometimes my tears threaten to drown me, to sweep me so far out to sea I'll never find my way back.

I have no doubt there will be an upswing at some point, but not today.