Friday, June 6, 2014

You can't hide from the truth Because the truth is all there is

Day 5 After

Rough day. Slept badly, but it was the first night since Jay passed that I slept without drugs, so I suppose that was to be expected.

Had a massage this morning, which was good.

Felt out of balance the rest of the day.  Even time spent with friends this evening felt off to me. Nobody's fault, just where I am.

Feeling at a loss, feeling sad, feeling lonely, feeling bereft. Feeling like anything like a normal life is impossible.

I know these feelings will come and go, and will diminish even if they never completely go away.

Rough day.


  1. There aren't words. Words are pointless when this happens. It sucks. It will suck today and tomorrow, but you're right. It will pass. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending you biggest, tightest hugs.

  2. The loss you are feeling is unbelievable to most of us. My heart so goes out to you.

    Even the fact that you get up in the morning is an accomplishment, and you need to celebrate those small steps.

    My Mum died of cancer and I took care of her for the last 2 1/2 years of her life. So I know some of what you feel, but she was my Mother not my partner. But what I can say is that is a long road. It will take a long time to get past this loss.

    I do know that right now the hurt and loss is raw. Reach out to anyone and everyone to help you.

    One step at a time. Let us help you as you take them.


  3. you are doing a great job taking care of yourself. if you need something to help you sleep, it is okay to take something. sleep is healing.

  4. I started this yesterday... One thing you're doing now is decompressing, whether you can sense it or not. As if a glacier suddenly melts, the ground rises slowly, taking its proper place in the landscape. That's a good thing for all your systems. Your focus of attention is pulled every which way right now, but physically and through the ways of the spirit everything wants to expand, drink in, move around, stretch, flow like water. Perhaps your grief will allow you a few moments to dip into that stream of cleansing change, refreshing and cool. Eventually you can look up and out, into the spacious places waiting for you.

  5. *hug*. Just give yourself space and time, that is all you can do. Baby steps. You've had a huge loss, and you have been running for so long... I'm so sorry.

  6. You are sanely approaching this period. I am guessing that you and Jay, and you and your therapist, discussed what would come next. You are in my thoughts constantly.

  7. I simply can't imagine how hard this must be. There is a lot of love out here for you. You are in my thoughts.

  8. There's nothing to say except that you have to hold onto holding on. The emptiness is real and disorienting and there is nothing to do but acknowledge it. And you're doing that, with grace, with pain. Eveyr loss is difficult but the loss of love is the most difficult of all... and it will take time. Lots and lots of time. And that's okay. Take the time.