Saturday, June 7, 2014

Counting and breathing, disappearing in the fade

Day 6 After

The memorial service was today. It was a lot harder than I anticipated.

The past couple of weeks have been filled with activity and waiting, and this week was filled with all sorts of motion that had been delayed because I was spending all my energy and time taking care of Jay.

But the service felt like the end of all that, like all the relationships and bonding that happened over Jay's illness is just going to go away.  And I don't want that.

You would think that seeing Jay being cremated would have been the feeling of the end, but it was this memorial that brought that feeling to me. It was incredibly hard to sit on the memorial bench, the one I will eventually be inurned under, and to know that I was going home to an empty house, that Jay is truly gone, that for certain values of alone, I am alone.

The family and some close friends went out for dinner later in the day, and that was lovely. But it made me miss Jay just that much more, because he would have loved to be there for that, to see himself being the center of attention, to feel the love of those present.

I am consoled by knowing that he knew exactly how loved he was, and that he never missed an opportunity to give that love back many-fold.

In all my planning and thinking about coming to be with Jay at the beginning of our relationship, I never until recently gave the After any thought. And even knowing it was coming, I find myself woefully unprepared. This will be the third time since 2011 that I've started over completely. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.


  1. there is no need to rush through the in-between time between what was and what will be. rest and recover in what is.

  2. Starting over is terribly hard, but if you've done it before you know: one foot in front of the other, one day after the next. Let it unfold and reach out as much as you need to.

  3. We're still here, sweetie. And you don't have to do Everything Right Now. All you really have to do (and it's a lot, I know) is keep maintaining, however you need to in order to keep the roof over your head, the food on your table, your bills paid. One foot in front of the other. You will know when you are ready to take each new step forward, it will just be right in your gut or heart or both and you'll be able to do it. Whatever "it" is, it may take a month, a year, or ten years. You don't have to move the mountain today. And you don't even have to move the teaspoonful alone, if you need help, you know you can ask any one of us.