Thursday, June 5, 2014

I am on your side, and we're always right. It’s perfect

Day 4 After

The cremation was today. It was hard to witness, but it was also good closure.

I went to therapy after the cremation. I remain surprised at how calm I seem. I said to my therapist that I truly can't tell if I'm just utterly numb or coping really well, or both.

Spent two hours after therapy getting a new cell phone. It was hard to let go of all the texts Jay & I had made to each other, but honestly, my phone only held the last 200 messages, and most of those were prosaic.  What I wish I had back were the ones we made 2 years ago, as we were getting to know each other. Those are the ones I truly miss. But I have all his emails to me. Those fill an empty place in my heart.

I talk to him all the time. I'm just waiting to be the crazy not-so-old lady walking down the street apparently talking to herself.

I miss him so much that I can feel the weight of that loss on me always, every minute. Even in the midst of something joyous, I can feel it. I will carry that weight always.


  1. Death and grief are weird things. During my dad's funeral I cracked jokes about his suit and really did not give the appearance of grieving. I only honestly felt his passing about a year afterwards and that is when the grief honestly hit me. If you have lost anyone else, you know that in time it will get better marginally,but you will always miss them as they are irreplaceable in our lives. I know we are not particularly close, but from your posts and updates I was earnestly upset when I read about Jay's passing. So I wish you the best in these hard times and I will leave you with this Hebrew Proverb, which I have always liked. "Say not in grief he is no more - but live in thankfulness that he was".

  2. Grief is different for everyone. Let yourself grieve. But one day you will wake up and have a memory and it will make you smile again instead of cry. I don't know you, but big hugs to you

  3. My husband has been gone for ... can't do the math in my head right now. Since Oct. 2006. I still talk to him every day. Sometimes I'm thanking him for all he taught me, sometimes I'm just saying "I love you and miss you," and sometimes I'm berating him for some of the negative stuff. I refuse to gloss over his wholeness. Like all of us he was a mix of wonderful and awful, and everything in between. But the point is, I'll probably talk to him daily for the rest of my life. I'm an atheist so I know I'm really talking to myself, but it feels right, and occasionally, good. Grieve as you need to. Smiles and laughter will come back. *hugs*

  4. Hey, I still talk to my mother periodically and she's been gone for nearly eighteen years. Living alone also means that I talk to my cats periodically. I am usually very good about not talking to "anyone" when I appear to be by myself in public. I definitely don't want to end up in a rubber room. :)

    Tell Jay that I said "hi".

    Love you!