It's been a tough couple of weeks on my grief journey.
It's been a year since we took Jay to Maryland for the clinical trial at NIH, as my Timehop app is relentless in reminding me. Seeing those daily reminders of that experience has sent me right back into a grief spiral that bottomed out (I hope) with me sobbing at a pair of scenes in the movie Transcendence.
I'm still in that place of grief where I can't remember the good times. All I can remember are the hard times, the bad times, the scary times. All the joy, the frankly ecstatic times - all erased from my mind, bleached into faded sepia scenes printed on shredded paper, barely visible, unable to be seen and comprehended.
I still have hope that this will pass, and that all the wonderful memories will come back, whether in a flood or in drips and drops over the passing of time.
The thing that concerns me the most about this is that I have the sneaking feeling that regaining those good memories is also the key to recovering some piece of my old snappy, snarky, witty self. She's still missing in action, and I still miss her.
So for now, I continue to grieve both losses.
It will pass, although it takes quite a while. The other thing that will take ages is for the pain to subside. I tend to talk about "there's a hole in your life that needs to lose its sharp, bitter edges", and in Jay's case, that was one hell of a hole left over, both physically and as a personality.
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