Monday, January 12, 2015

Don't write me no more letters, my mailbox is full of bombs

Back at the beginning of the month, I ended one of the final rituals connected to the last year or so of Jay's life.

For anyone who doesn't already know, Jay used to have waist-length blond hair. You can get the idea from this picture of him:

This was long before I knew him, but it made me angry at the universe that chemo took his beautiful hair.

So somewhere along the line in 2013, I decided I was going to stick a finger in the eye of the universe and let my hair grow until he was either dead or had his hair back. At its longest in May, a few days before he died, it looked like this:

I got a trim then, which took a little bit of length off, enough to make me less crazy.

I didn't get it cut again until January 2nd, when it looked like this:

It was long enough again to make me crazy, and the whole purpose in keeping it long was utterly over. So I got it cut much shorter:

So the last visible bit of my grief is gone, the last sign in the world of my fight against the wishes of the universe is finally gone.

I'm glad to have my hair shorter, but it makes me sad, too, that my bit of magical thinking had no effect on the world.

1 comment:

  1. Magical Thinking is what pulls many of us through grueling situations. Even though I do not believe in an all powerful sentient overseer of The Universe, I find myself indulging in Magical Thinking or out-and-out bargaining with some non-coalesced sentience. Part of me knows that this behavior is my "controlling" little mind attempting to "drive the bus" of my life. I simply cannot stand that there are things in life that are out of my hands.

    I am glad that you grew your hair out that long. It was beautiful, both in its physicality and and as an outward sign of a spiritual act.