Friday, July 25, 2014

Where have you gone again, my sweet?

It's been another rough week.

I'm pretty clearly processing another big emotional load. My dreams are vivid, weird, and forgotten the moment I wake up. I'm constantly hungry, no matter what or how much I eat. I'm exhausted all the time. All of these are clear signs from my body that my mind is doing a ton of work.

Of course, I have no idea what in particular is being worked through, but I know from experience I should feel better once it's all done. That is to say, I know what I'm feeling, but I have no idea what specific thing is triggering all this processing.

I'm having a lot of weepy moments, as well as moments where the weight of my grief is borne in on me anew. I find myself wondering how on earth I'm supposed to go on without Jay.  I'm learning how to love someone who isn't here and who never will be here again.

So I'm just laying low, and stocking up the fridge with lots of things to eat. I listening to my body and giving it food and sleep whenever it needs them. I'm rolling with the waves of emotion, and the waves of numbness.

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you had a rough week. The dreams can leave you exhausted--but I think they are also a piece of the process.
    You have accomplished a lot--I hope you realize this. Even the act of taking good care of yourself at this time is monumental and should be acknowledged as steps forward.
    Take good care.

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  2. I think rolling with what flows through you is the only healthy way to get through grieving. The pain and intensity and duration of the grief (or anger) lessen with time, allowing the love and golden memories shine through again. But it only slows that process down if you try to suppress the feelings. You are doing really hard work, and I salute you. You'll get through it. It hurts like hell. Hugs help, I've found. ***hug hug hug hug hug *** Keep on doing what you're doing. You're not alone.

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  3. grief is such a sneaky ass hole.

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