Monday, July 14, 2014

Sleeping, or not sleeping, as the case may be

One of the things I've noticed about how things have changed since Jay died is that no matter how functional I am during the day, and no matter how careful I am with things like napping and daytime caffeine consumption, I always have trouble getting to sleep.

Tonight is turning out to be one of the best examples of that.

I'm exhausted, but I have no desire to go to sleep.

I think some of it is how difficult the nights of the last month of Jay's life were.  I spent them sleeping on the sofa across from him in the living room, needing to be able to awaken at a moment's notice if he needed care, which he did every night, even if it was just for me to walk him to and from the bathroom so he didn't fall.

On nights when he'd had a good night, I would come into the bedroom about 4 in the morning and sleep the last couple of hours on the bed.  Those mornings, I would wait to hear him call for me from the living room.

I think I'm still waiting to hear his voice calling me. So I can't sleep and when I do sleep, I don't sleep well.

I'm off to take something to help get me to sleep. Let's hope I can stay there well tonight.


  1. I have heard that it takes a long time for the prima ry caregivers to relearn how to sleep though the night, you have not slept straight though for a long time.
    maybe you could get away? Breitenbush hot springs or the coast?
    another thought would be to rearrange your bedroom? i wonder if you could have someone who knows Feng Shui come and help make your room sleep and healing inducing.

  2. I like the new profile pic! Maybe a white noise machine might help? Just to give your brain something else to focus on, rather than the silence.

  3. I've had pretty good luck with L-theanine, an amino acid supplement derived from green tea. It seems to help take the edge off those nights when my brain wants to "squirrel-cage" for hours, rather than sleep.