Tuesday, July 29, 2014

In dreams until my death I will wander on

In retrospect, the explanation for my sadness Sunday night is obvious: not only was Sunday the year anniversary of Jay Wake, but it was the 2-month anniversary of Jay's death.  I had just blanked both of them completely out of my mind.

So - two months on. I'm still struggling. Sometimes the struggles are big, sometimes they are moment-to-moment, sometimes they are small. Occasionally they threaten to crush me completely. But those moments are fewer as time passes. They're no less painful when they do happen, but they don't happen as often.

I've talked at great length with various people about the mystery of death, in the old-fashioned Christian sense of mystery.  It is literally something our minds are not designed to comprehend. We literally can't encompass it. It's bigger and deeper than we can grapple with.  Oddly enough, this is of great comfort to me, since it means all I have to do is accept, not to understand.

It's rare that I can give myself that kind of bye. This one is essential to my sanity.  It helps me cope with the impossibility of a life as large as Jay's having stopped.

It also helps me cope with never having felt like he's here in the house with me. I've never felt him in any way that I would give credence to. A couple of moments when I was half-asleep, but that's it.

I'm working to make sense of my life, the life I have now on the other side of this mystery. I doubt I'll ever make complete sense of it, but it would be nice to have a sense of the path I'm on. For now I'm just walking it without knowing anything of what lies ahead.

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