Thursday, April 3, 2014

We are ready for the siege, we are armed up to the teeth

Many little things make a post:

  • Jay & I are on opposite but related trajectories with food these days. He's struggling to get back to a place where eating is natural and normal. Every bite of food may turn into a deadly enemy. I, on the other hand, have gained so much weight through stress eating that I've started doing Weight Watchers again. I've gotten so heavy that all my joints ache; I'm a fine-boned girl, and any weight over 200 lbs is genuinely painful. Jay's having to train his body to accept food; I'm having to train my body to stop accepting food.
  • I'm so homesick I could cry. And sometimes do.
  • While in truth this place of waiting to see if the latest treatment has worked on Jay is no different than any other place of waiting to see, it feels worse. I think that's in part because the lead-up to the treatment itself was so brutal. So this waiting feels many orders of magnitude harder.
  • We've spent more time this year in Maryland than in Oregon.
  • I got a ridiculous thrill when I gave the Ocean City hotelier my Oregon driver's license when we checked in. It's such a silly thing, but it made me feel like a real person.
  • Every time I think I've discovered the limits of possible exhaustion, I push right through and find more levels. I can't remember when I was last this tired. And I cannot fail - right now, I'm Jay's sole support. So I persevere, hoping not to do anything irredeemably stupid.


  1. A tentpole will fall down if it's not supporting the tent. But the tent will never exist without the tentpole. You both are in my prayers and in my thoughts.

  2. Sending you a huge hug of strength and admiration, Lisa. Sending gentle hugs of strength and adoration to Jay.

  3. [hero] tag deployed

  4. *hug* No words. Just admiration for you both.

  5. Thank you. Sending warm hugs and hope to you both. Wish I could send you some Oregon and health.

  6. I don't have any advice for Jay regarding food issues, but if you like it okay, you could try drinking lots of green tea. For some reason, in some people, green tea tends to help both reduce appetite and keep people from gaining weight...I don't really know why, but there is some science showing this is true. I drink 6-7 cups a day. It is, fortunately, so low in caffeine that, given the coffee habit I also have, it doesn't have any effect on my sleep.