Friday, April 18, 2014

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

I've been home for just under 48 hours now.

It feels very surreal. I still haven't quite caught up to the fact that I am home, that this is where I live, that this is normal.

Everything feels wrong. My car is wrong, the house is wrong, the bathroom's in the wrong place, I'm forgetting how to get places.

The time we spent in Maryland was so intense that it was like an entire life shrunk down to 6 weeks.

I now fully believe Williams Gibson's theory of jet lag: that it's the soul being far behind the body, waiting to be reeled in to rejoin the whole. I feel like I've left my soul in a box somewhere, and I may never find it again.

I'm a wholly different person than the one who set out on this journey at the beginning of March. I ordered a few things over the course of my stay, things that were delivered here at home, and the things I bought at the beginning of the journey I look at now and wonder why I wanted them. What did that Lisa think these would bring to her life? The now-Lisa is just confused by them.

I am exhaustion incarnate. I'm not sure who I am anymore, or what my purpose is.


  1. May you get lotsa good sleep so the exhaustion fades...

  2. I have not gone through, what you are going through, with a partner, but I did with my Mother. I know how hard it is. All I have to offer is embrace ever second you have. Forget what seems right or doesn't seem right, just be in the moment. Those moments will last a long time. It's now almost 40 years for me since her death and I remember everything.

    My heart goes out to both of you. If anyone can make it through Jay will Lisa.