Friday, August 15, 2014

More miscellanea

A year ago, we were just finishing up our trip to New Zealand.  Two years ago, we were processing the news that sent Jay back into treatment for the rest of his life. And here I am now, without him.

Then I think even further back. Three years ago, I knew Jay only through his books and his LiveJournal. Four years ago, I was still happily married (or so I thought). Nice perspective, that.

* * *

Went to a lovely dinner party hosted by former housemate Nancy for the occasion of one of my longest-tenure friends being in town from Baltimore. It was wonderful to introduce Eric to The Tribe.

As I said to Eric as we were leaving the party, Jay was an amazing man, and he gathered amazing people around him. But I always forget that maybe that makes me an amazing person, too.

* * *

A talk with a friend the other day reminded me of something that's making me less anxious about regaining my hermit ways. She mentioned that Jay taught her the word "estivate", which basically means to hibernate in the summer. She does this, and so do I - always have. All the energy I had right after Jay's death happened before it got hot here. Once it got hot, estivation set in, and all my energy died off in the heat.

I have no doubt that once it cools off again, and we're back to my beloved cool gray weather, my energy level will increase.

* * *

Feeling very weirded out by my complete inability to read fiction. Granted, I've read some really interesting non-fiction, and have become a huge fan of Mary Roach, who can make any topic funny.  But I'm missing wrapping myself up in a made-up world, even if only for the length of a short story. My brain is simply refusing to go there.

* * *

Feeling simultaneously very lost, very sad, very calm, and full of acceptance. Fully in the stew that is grief.


  1. Mary Roach came up in conversation today and she's now on my Must Read list. May you continue estivating well, then come out more come the cool(er) Fall.

  2. I just finished reading Jay's blog since 2008, which I began reading after his death, after running across two remembrance posts on Jay (from John Scalzi and Kyle Cassidy) which made it clear I had been missing something not reading Jay earlier. It was often a wrenching read, knowing the ending...but I still wanted to read the whole thing. I laughed out loud when I came across the dream entry where he found himself dedicated in his final days to the cause of spaying and neutering pets, since that in fact is a cause near and dear to my own heart but obviously not something likely to be high on his priority list in his last days. I am sorry I only learned of him after his death.

    My condolences on your loss, and I hope you are able to progress though what must be profound grief to a bright place once again.