Very rough week.
This was a week of anger. Anger at myself for letting myself get so wholly caught up in a relationship that was clearly not going to end well. Anger at Jay for leaving me. Anger at the universe for judging Jay's life of so little worth that it was cut so short. Anger at various people for breaking boundaries.
And I learned lessons about proper setting of boundaries, and the relief that can come from that. That was unexpected.
My energy has been low this week, but I got out and did a few things anyway. Lunch dates and other things. I stayed in and did a few things, too, like getting closer to being finished with organizing the kitchen.
I'm struggling with a profound sense of loneliness, and with being on the edge of some sort of satori about the meaning of forever.
But mostly I'm just angry and sad and uninspired.
Let's see what this week brings.
I hope you continue to know what an amazing gift your decision to get so involved was. Was it wise? Maybe not. Was it selfless and loving and amazing and kind? Absolutely. Are you entitled to be more protective of yourself in the future? Also a big yes.
ReplyDeleteGoing through what you have gone through in the past two years churns up ALL the emotions about all the thousands of things that were happening. Some you dealt with at the time; others you set aside because there were other, more important or urgent things you needed that time and energy for. But they don't go away. It really is a lay-away program, and now is the period during which they will present themselves for your full attention. Many are very, very painful - though some are not. But in my process, I found that I often had to struggle through an awful one before I could finally see the glowing, joyful thing behind it. It hurts like a sumbitch but you're doing just fine. Flailing and wailing are built into the process. They're features, not bugs. You'll get through this. Here, have another ***hug***.
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ReplyDeleteYou chose life, you chose love. I'm so sorry for your loss, but what if it weren't a loss? What if you barely noticed? What if you didn't feel anger, or emptiness? Your life is enriched because you embraced risk and survive. There is nothing I could say that will make you feel ok again, but surely you know, deep down, that this result is better than if nothing had ever happened? You are privy to the deepest of human secrets: that a life unlived is a life wasted. May blessings of all sorts rain all over your head and heart. Wallow for a bit in this, and embrace the turmoil and anger and emptiness. Make it yours. Then get on with your thing. Life is good.
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