Monday, June 2, 2014

I've seen the future, baby It is murder.

Thoughts from the Day After

Jay's been gone for a little over a day, and I'm still in shock.  The living room has been set back into order, and all the medical equipment is gone. And life goes on.

* * *
Yesterday was spent with all sorts of procedural details - getting the hospice nurse to pronounce him dead, hours after the fact, having the funeral home come and take his body away, getting the equipment people to take it all away.

I was never alone in the house for more than a few minutes, right through the night.

* * *

I'm firmly in denial.

Intellectually, I know Jay is gone. But my heart just can't wrap itself around the reality of the hole he has left in the world. I keep waiting for him to come through the door.

It doesn't feel at all real.

* * *

For hours yesterday, I watched the stillness of his body, waiting for his feet to twitch as they always did, whether he was awake or asleep. I kept waiting, long hours after his death, for him to jump up and yell GOTCHA!

* * *

My friends have been taking fantastic care of me, but I need to remember that they're hurting, too, and that they need support just as much as I do.

* * *

I am so incredibly angry at the universe for showing me the face of love and snatching it away.

Friday would have been Jay's 50th birthday, and our second anniversary.  I'll be celebrating the latter of those on my own in a couple of weeks, when this is either less raw or so raw that I need to do something to soothe the pain.

* * *

I promised Jay I would go and have a life after he was gone, and I will.  But right now, I am so weighed down by grief that I can barely move.

Right now, I can have anything I want in life.

Anything except for Jay.

16 comments:

  1. I am so sorry, Lisa. I cannot begin to know at a gut level what it feels like for you but I want you to know that you should not apologize for your anger, your grief, your pain. It's normal and those who are your friends...or who knew Jay at whatever level, and loved him...will understand. I hadn't seen Jay for years and years. He was an acquaintance, through Norwescon past, but I admired and loved him for his humanity, his intelligence, his will to keep fighting, and the love he had for you, for his daughter, and for those around him. Oh, and his writing.

    I had cancer a bit over a year ago--uterine, which is now gone. I hoped Jay would beat his. I hate this disease in all its guises. I lost my mother to it.

    Jay made a difference. And he loved you. That means even though you only know me through Facebook, I love you. Because LOVE, dammit, is worth it. I won't stop adding to the circles of people I love.

    Be blessed. Heal in your time. And it's okay to rage. I'm doing some of it, and Jay wouldn't even remember me much, methinks, though we shared hugs and discussions back in the old days. I was blessed to reconnect on Facebook.

    It'll never stop hurting, but it does get a tad easier. He'll be remembered with joy, with tears, with love. You will have joy again. You will have tears and laughter.

    I wish I could hasten the joy and laughter, but all I can do is offer virtual hugs. From a virtual stranger--but one, I hope you'll understand, who is one step away from real friendship. And who offers love, as well. Not just virtual, real love, the kind of love friends offer when they haven't much else to give.

    Blessed be and

    Much love,
    Starshadow

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  2. My situation was a little different - it was my father, not my love, but the rest of it was the same, the watching, the waiting, the cancer, the hospice, the last hours, the denial, the grief, the rage. My father was almost eighty, and it was not, perhaps unexpected - and that kind of helps, a little, because you do understnad that we all die, eventually, and the wheel of time moves forward for us all - but Jay was a year younger than myself, with SO MUCH LEFT TO COME, not least his life with you. I feel that rage you speak of - not as strongly as you, how could I ever? But I feel it, and I understand it, and I share it. Jay's days in this world of light and love were way, WAY too short. So rage, Lisa. It is appropriate. Nothing will blunt the grief - and in the long term you can't hold onto that rage - but right now it is a shield against the weight of it all.

    To me he was not a father, a son, a sibling, the man I loved - and I cannot even begin to feel the rage and grief that those of you who WERE those things to him must be feeling right now But to me, he was a fiend, and that is quite enough.

    There is nothing I can say to ease the darkness of the cloud you are in right now - not least because I don't know you at all well (I think we met once, perhaps, and briefly, at that...) but if it helps at all to know that there are others out there screaming at the universe, there are.

    As for you, yourself, right now... in the midst of all this... remember to take the time to take care of yourself.

    My thoughts are with you all.

    Alma

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  3. Anything that I can do. I will try to do.

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  4. *holds* You'll absorb Jay's passing and start over in tiny steps as you are ready to. Just go gently and slowly love. I'm so grateful there are good people around you loving you, as well as those of us loving you from afar. xxx

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  5. Lisa, I've been sitting here for the past 60 minutes trying desperately to think of something, anything, that could help ease your unbearable pain. All I can offer is that if you and Jay didn't love each other so much, it wouldn't hurt so badly. Many people care about you, Lisa, and I also hope that gives you some comfort in the middle of this anguish. <3

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  6. Lisa, I'm so sorry. You took on an incredible burden late in this game, and that says tremendous things about your capacity for love and your courage to seize happiness for yourself despite the cost. I can't even imagine the anger and grief that you must be feeling right now.

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  7. I've been following along with you and Jay for about a year now, and I am SO sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, but I just want to say--don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, or for how long. Move on with life when it feels right for YOU. You're in my prayers!!

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  8. I'm so very sorry.

    I was a counselor at hospice before moving into private practice, so I can assure you of a few things:

    It's normal to feel like nothing is normal. There's no "correct" way to grieve.

    It's going to be a while before you can absorb it. Your brain cannot wrap itself around someone else's death -- not just mentally and emotionally. There is no such thing as un-learning. Your brain's synaptic habits involve Jay's presence, and it's physically impossible for your brain to adjust to it all at once. It will take time, biologically and emotionally.

    It may be hard to be patient with yourself, and that's okay too. You don't have to be perfect at this.

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  9. I am so very sorry for your loss.

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  10. My heart is breaking for you, Lisa. You are in my prayers. I am so, so sorry.

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  11. Take the time you need. Grieve. Rage. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are loved, and that those who love you understand you are grieving. And when it is time, jump into life with both feet and savor everything. #livelikejay

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  12. I am so very sorry, Lisa. Those words aren't nearly enough, but they're all I have. And maybe this: it's okay to feel however you are feeling. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Hugs to you.

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  13. I lost my Mother to breast cancer when I was 23. I thought I would die when she did. I lived through it but it took years, and even to this day I still miss her.

    And I am so sad that Jay lost his battle. I followed him for years through his blog and Facebook. If anyone wanted to live it was him. If anyone should have it was him.

    Lisa I know losing Jay is not the same as the death of my Mum but please know my heart and soul are with you. Reach out to each and every person, including us online. One hug, one word, one message may get you through the next hour.

    Jan

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  14. Even though we have never met in person I am honored to have met you online via fb, through Art and Kellie's recommendation. I don't know what your plans are for staying in Pdx but I hope that if you plan to stay here that we can meet someday. I am not working and could potentially help you with anything you need help with right now. If there is something you think I could do please let me know. I will send you my contact info via PM on FB. My thoughts are with you. It is good that you are writing and reaching out to others through your writing. I know Jay would be proud of you. Please do keep me in mind if there is anything you could use help with during this challenging time. Sending you a virtual hug!

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  15. I have no words to soothe the grief and anguish you must be feeling right now. So all I can do is send you love, peace and prayers. *HUGS*

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