Sunday, June 15, 2014

Am I that strong to carry on?

I can't believe Jay's been gone for two weeks.

It seems like longer, and it seems fresh as two weeks ago.

The longer, I can understand. The bright, vivacious, loud, wonderful man he was has been gone for quite a while.  I've been grieving that loss for months.

And the fresh - well, that I can understand, too. My heart hasn't caught up with the reality. It will take a long time for that.

I woke up this morning briefly at 5:45, sighed, and went back to sleep.

It's been a melancholy day.  I spent some time this afternoon unpacking boxes and packing up some of his stuff to be donated.  My presence here is slowly overshadowing his, which is both natural and sad.

Just as Jay kept thinking one morning he would wake up and all the issues he developed while at NIH would be gone and he'd be fine, I keep thinking I'll wake up one morning and be through this grief process. Wishful thinking, that, this early in the process.

It was an intense two years. It will be a long and intense grief.

And all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I've been re-reading his blog since the day we met. His openness and honesty about his cancer makes me want to continue writing about my grief, in the hopes that it will help someone else, even one person, make sense of what's going on with them or know that they're not alone.


  1. a different grief here, less acute, more diffuse, but yes, it helps.

  2. Too many have lost loved ones to cancer. None of the ones I've known had a roadmap to navigate their grief. Reading about your grieving process could help a lot of people. I'm glad you're making the effort -- and I know it is an effort. Hugs.

  3. I really believe that Jay would be proud of you talking about your grief journey as he did his cancer journey. So easy to see why you two loved each other so much.

    I lost my Mum to cancer, I am just 5 years clear of cancer.

    I will follow you and support you on your road Lisa, and thank you so sharing. ((HUGS))

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. Jay sounds like such a remarkable man. I have only been reading here for the past two weeks. I am a little involved in sf fandom in L.A. and that's how I found my way here.

    A while back there were some mentions of books about grief. I wanted to mention one more. It's called "Heaven's Coast" by Mark Doty. He is a poet and writes beautifully of the world. In the 1980s his lover was diagnosed with HIV, while Mark tested negative. None of the drug therapies really worked. The book is about their life together, and how Mark cared for his partner, and how he coped after he died. It's powerful stuff and maybe too soon to read it, but it's also such a beautiful and moving meditation on life and death and carrying on when you don't think you can.

    Again I am so sorry for your loss.

  5. I'm here and reading. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Im here, reading too. And yes, it helps us all, very much when you write and share from your heart. We take messages, cues, inspiration and direction from each other, all the time. And you are giving us the message that you are human, and you are honest, loving, grieving, lost, and stronger than you think. We take this home, we thank you.

  7. Yes, please know that your posts are very helpful to those of us who are wading through our own journey of grief. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  8. Hi, Lisa. I'm a friend of Jay's. You're in my thoughts.