Monday, November 5, 2012

It's all in the dark, a walk through the fire

I've been in a weird emotional place for the last week or so, and while I figured out pretty quickly what was causing it, I'm still not sure what to do about it.

It was a year ago, last November, last NaNoWriMo, that I wrote myself into the most explicit and painful episode of PTSD I've ever experienced.  It was all the talk about NaNoWriMo in my Twitter feed that made me realize why I was feeling what I was feeling.

One of the major ways my PTSD expresses itself is as a desire to be invisible, to be quiet and small and thus safe.  Something in either the act of writing or in what I was writing triggered nightmares for weeks of being exposed, of being under attack, of being unsafe.

So I stopped writing.  And not just for that month, but forever.  This past spring, I consciously removed all the trappings of writing from my life, removed all the mentions of being a writer from my Twitter bio, from my other, now-defunct, blog, from everywhere I could think of.  It was a choice, designed to see if I cared about writing enough to get help to get over my brain's reaction to a threat that didn't actually exist.

And I realized in that process that I really didn't care, that I didn't miss it, that I was fine without any sort of creative outlet.

And yet, here I am a year later, going through what can only be described as mourning for something I still don't think I'm missing.

I have no answers here, but am rather just thinking out loud.

What's really going on with me? And what the hell do I do about it?

5 comments:

  1. are you mourning the loss of writing, or the idea of being a writer?? because it seems to me that there are two separate things. Many writers hate the actual process of writing, but like having written. Is it loss of identity? or loss of a dream? No answers here, btw...wish I had some.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not even sure what I'm mourning. It's an odd emotional place to be ...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maybe you just dislike November? :) *HUGS*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Heh, no, it's *October* I historically dislike, remember?

    ReplyDelete