Safe on the shore I've been sleeping, faced by the thoughts I've been keeping

Five months on

Here we are again, at the turning of the month, another anniversary of Jay's death.

I think this is the first anniversary where I don't know what I'm feeling. Less pain, less overwhelming grief, yes - those things are true. A greater sense of moving forward, of moving away from our life together and into my life - this is true, too.

I'm in an in-between place, neither here nor there, unsure of what comes next. But for the first time, I'm feeling confident about not knowing.

I suppose it's possible I've just dug myself a comfortable rut, but this doesn't feel like that.

Still miss him, every single day.

And yes, this first-of-the-month thing continues to be difficult. Last night, I had the first genuine crying jag I've had in quite a while.

But life goes on.