Monday, June 17, 2013

Cliches and other chatter keep our minds from thinking

Woke up this morning from a night of hideous dreams.  I don't remember any of them, but at one point I woke myself up with the sound of my own whimpering.  I'm still wandering around in a fog, pretty non-functional.

JayCon weekend was wonderful, but exhausting.  It was an interesting contrast to last year's party, where I knew about 4 people and sat off to the side the whole afternoon, except for getting pizza.  This year I probably knew about half the people there, and of the other half, about half of them knew me.  I'm still getting used to this acquaintance/fame by proxy thing, but it's kind of cool.

But this is just another piece of Jay dismantling his life.  It was hard to watch friends who had come from far away say goodbye to him, not knowing if they will ever see him again.  It was even harder to see Jay absorb all this reality.

This was the first time in all of this that I've even begun to grapple with the reality that I will be the widow when Jay goes.  That had simply never occurred to me.  I don't know what I thought my role would be, beyond *grieving*, but the fact that my role would have a name had passed by me completely.  I had a firm grip on the adjective, but had no idea what noun it would be modifying.

All that said, the party was wonderful, and I met so many amazing people.  I'm running out of adjectives.  I sat off and on all day out in the main part of the restaurant with other introverts who were overwhelmed by the noise and number of people in the party room, and had lovely conversations.  The tiki god ceremony was a riot.  The love in the room was profound. The giveaway of interesting things from Jay's basement was fun and funky.  It was a cascade of emotions both deep and ephemeral.

I'm listening incessantly and am utterly earwormed by the Silversun Pickups song "Future Foe Scenarios" (as evidenced by the title of this post).  It seems to hit all my emotional buttons, mashing them down mercilessly in a fat-fingered dialing of noisy catharsis.  (How's that for an image?)

I've got a therapy session on Wednesday after missing two sessions to my therapist's vacation. Should be interesting to see what comes up.


  1. I wish I'd thought to look for an Introverts' Corner. I would have come join you rather than running for the hills. We'll meet another time, though.

    1. Ha, if I'm at a big party, there's *always* an introvert's corner. I always hit the wall and need space to just breathe ... :)

  2. Lisa, you coped extremely well. Never doubt that. And yes, you are indeed strong. (And I'm glad to have finally run across you in person.)

    Best Regards,
    Rick Moen